I love watching cooking shows.
I like food and cooking and I like watching people cook.
Here in the US I can watch people cook all day long on The Food Network.
The network has its set of chefs.
I will name them here:
Rachel Ray (above):
Rachel Ray begins her show by saying "Hi, I'm Rachel Ray and I make thirty minute meals" like that's the only thing she ever does.
She is hugely popular because she is very cute and VERY peppy.
She likes to punctuate every word she says with some kind of enthusiastic hand gesture or a nod.
She's also a grinning idiot with a nervous laugh that makes me want to smack her.
Her nervous laughter is short and sharp "Hah hah".
Inna is a softly spoken middle aged woman who shows you how to make food for gay man.
Sandra Lee has a show with the idiotic name, Semi Home Made.
This means that she uses some fresh ingredients and then substitutes the rest with canned or premixed stuff.
So she'll make a salad and then unload a tin of dogfood all over it.
Sandra looks like the mother of several of my childhood friends in Australia.
They would cook things called rissoles and give their kids vegemite and cheese sandwiches for lunch.
Like Oscar the Grouch was catering.
My favourite is when Sandra Lee makes "ethnic" food, as she calls it.
She'll make curry with cornflakes and add her own special touch - doritos sprinkled over the top and some boiled eggs.
At the end of each show Sandra makes a fancy cocktail to make her feel like a big city girl and then shows us her "table scape".
Most people like to sit at the dinner table and eat but Sandra likes to distract from her awful food by covering the table in shit.
Emmeril is a strange one.
He's been around for years and is a darling of the Food Network set.
To me he seems like a NYC cab driver they dragged in off the street and told him that he had to pretend to cook or he wouldn't get his prize.
He's so important that he has a live show with an audience and a band.
The audience shrieks with laughter every time he does something dopey and bursts into applause when he uses certain ingredients.
"So, I'm gonna put some gingah innis pan here" - and the audience claps and whoops.
It's very fucking weird.
They also like to applaud when he uses garlic, like it's a new and clever idea.
Although I'd never cook a single thing she makes, I have a soft spot for Paula.
She's kind of the hillbilly version of the Two Fat Ladies, if anyone knows of them.
She cooks nothing without smothering it in butter and fat.
The woman deep fries green salad.
She's very warm and sincere about her quest to raise cholesterol levels simply by turning her show on and watching calmly for 6 or 7 minutes.
She makes all those whacky southern things that nobody in the rest of world knows of beyond movies and TV and would certainly never eat.
Also, take the time to visit www.elliotelliotelliot.com
Thursday, September 06, 2007
at 2:11 PM