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Thursday, September 06, 2007


I love watching cooking shows.
I like food and cooking and I like watching people cook.
Here in the US I can watch people cook all day long on The Food Network.
The network has its set of chefs.
I will name them here:
Rachel Ray (above):
Rachel Ray begins her show by saying "Hi, I'm Rachel Ray and I make thirty minute meals" like that's the only thing she ever does.
She is hugely popular because she is very cute and VERY peppy.
She likes to punctuate every word she says with some kind of enthusiastic hand gesture or a nod.
She's also a grinning idiot with a nervous laugh that makes me want to smack her.
Her nervous laughter is short and sharp "Hah hah".

Inna Garten:
Inna is a softly spoken middle aged woman who shows you how to make food for gay man.

Sandra Lee:
Sandra Lee has a show with the idiotic name, Semi Home Made.
This means that she uses some fresh ingredients and then substitutes the rest with canned or premixed stuff.
So she'll make a salad and then unload a tin of dogfood all over it.
Sandra looks like the mother of several of my childhood friends in Australia.
They would cook things called rissoles and give their kids vegemite and cheese sandwiches for lunch.
Like Oscar the Grouch was catering.
My favourite is when Sandra Lee makes "ethnic" food, as she calls it.
She'll make curry with cornflakes and add her own special touch - doritos sprinkled over the top and some boiled eggs.
At the end of each show Sandra makes a fancy cocktail to make her feel like a big city girl and then shows us her "table scape".
Most people like to sit at the dinner table and eat but Sandra likes to distract from her awful food by covering the table in shit.

Emmeril Lugasi:
Emmeril is a strange one.
He's been around for years and is a darling of the Food Network set.
To me he seems like a NYC cab driver they dragged in off the street and told him that he had to pretend to cook or he wouldn't get his prize.
He's so important that he has a live show with an audience and a band.
The audience shrieks with laughter every time he does something dopey and bursts into applause when he uses certain ingredients.
"So, I'm gonna put some gingah innis pan here" - and the audience claps and whoops.
It's very fucking weird.
They also like to applaud when he uses garlic, like it's a new and clever idea.

Paula Deen:
Although I'd never cook a single thing she makes, I have a soft spot for Paula.
She's kind of the hillbilly version of the Two Fat Ladies, if anyone knows of them.
She cooks nothing without smothering it in butter and fat.
The woman deep fries green salad.
She's very warm and sincere about her quest to raise cholesterol levels simply by turning her show on and watching calmly for 6 or 7 minutes.
She makes all those whacky southern things that nobody in the rest of world knows of beyond movies and TV and would certainly never eat.


Anonymous said...

and what about the Elliot Cowan show?

M@ said...

Get out of fucking bed, get dressed and stop watching daytime telly!!!!

Is Inna Garten available to cook for Oscar?

Elliot Cowan said...

Bekkit - It's been cancelled. You're on kitchen duties now.

Matt - I'm up everyday at 7 and I've been working!
And yes, I think she's right up his alley.

Boris Hiestand said...

Crookie, you and me should have our own cooking show n the US, where we cook bare chested, get into arguments over taste and beat each other with fish.

Anonymous said...

You are so lucky your Mother never gave you awful stuff like rissoles or cheese and vegemite. I'll bet few kids at school had lunches like yours

Anonymous said...

what was in your lunches anyway??

Elliot Cowan said...

Find a name Anonymous and maybe I'll give you an answer.

Anonymous said...

Sorry El I could'nt resist, I'm the one who would never have dreamed of giving you rissoles or cheese and vegemite rolls. I really thought you would know it was me. Mumxx

Elliot Cowan said...

I suspected as much...

John T. Quinn 3rd said...

so, my wife watches that channel and i always ask, "is Ina Garten's husband gay?" I think your response to her show is proof. done.
sandra lee is good to watch when she mixes batter by hand (as opposed to using a machine). there is a lot of jiggling. wink wink. better than an episode of Love Boat. she strikes me to be a no-talent directionless, reasonably attractive blonde who (and this is all speculation) is married to a television producer. the show was a gift as a engagement/wedding/anniversary/birthday present (choose one).

rachel ray is annoying but, you are correct. she has apparently tapped into the collective unconcious of the American public and has inexplicibly become a household name. her hand gestures are the least of it. what irritates me is how, with the addition of each new ingredient she refers to it as an "action." Retarded. "...and now it's time for a little EVOO action." EVOO is an annoying way to say olive oil. god bless her.

You didn't mention Giada DeLaurentis. She is our version of the UK's Nigella. Lot's of hand held camera and constant references to putting things in her mouth and how good they feel in her mouth. She's luscious.

Elliot Cowan said...

You're right John.
Giada also has a very irritating over mannered voice.

I also should have mentioned that boring, rude fuck, Alton.

John T. Quinn 3rd said...

what, "good eats?" that's one of the programs i actually like.

Elliot Cowan said...

I don't like him at all.
I find his show interesting, but if I wasn't interested in cooking and I caught his show I don't think I'd be very excited.

Anonymous said...

Paula's food is fine; she doesn't expect you to eat it every day; that is just your guilt and shame talking.

Elliot Cowan said...

..."she doesn't expect you to eat it every day; that is just your guilt and shame talking."

My girlfriend's guilt and shame actually...

Matthias said...

My favorite Sandra Lee recipe is her "Hypnosis" cocktail.

Aunt Sandy is a LUSH.


SAGE-LIKE observations.
You are the modern T.V. GUIDE...
Love the little rachel drawing....BUT, She ain't no GIADA..
Man that woman, makes me not even care about the food. Or the face that her terrific and giant mouth over pronounces a whole lotta foreign words...


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