Saturday, July 29, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Barklays Bank has a brilliant policy whereby you can't have your Barclays ATM card delivered to your local Barklays branch for you to pick up.
Is this completely insane?
I'm sure it's not just me being anal about things.
Also - even more annoying, my MP3 player seems to have gone belly up, which is really a very, very bad thing.
at 11:55 AM
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
I am learning one thing about living in London.
Terry Gilliams film Brazil, should have been called England.
What a fucking palarva!
Every time I need to get something official done, it takes about 63 phone calls and 19 attempts to get it done.
What a fucking disaster.
I spent 3 hours on the phone in the last 12 hours simply trying to transfer money from Australia to the UK.
I am sitting at home awaiting my ATM card to turn up, because they have to hand it right to me (Barklays - listen - there's no money in the account!!! Who does it matter who you hand it to???)
But the fact that I have a funny street address means that they have to call me before they arrive and the lazy cunts wont do that.
Which means I have to call back and get them to send it again...
What a pain in the fucking arse.
However, I feel very clever after drawing this picture.
Well I hate to think of myself as the cleverest man in the world but I predicted every single thing that would happen and it did.
Here is the main problem with where I am living.
I am sure it happens all over London so it don't imagine it's that unusual.
My street address is actually a business.
The block of flats is in an alleyway out the back.
Anyone coming to officially deliver something will not find a resident at the place we are required to give as our address.
So if something is being delivered that has to be handed to an actual person (such as my ATM card that has to be given to me) the driver needs to call and say "Oi, I'm here".
Lo and behold - despite 3 reassurances that I'd get a phone call from the driver I receieved none, and spent another day waiting all day long for a package that didn't arrive.
I called my bank to have it delivered there directly for me to pick up, but guess what!???
They can't just do that for me.
I have to GO TO THE FUCKING BANK!!!
What the fuck is that about???!!!!!
I then did something that I used to do a lot, but don't much anymore.
I lost my temper and ranted and raged.
I called the useless little tick from the delivery company and emptied a string of Australian abuse down the line.
He was very polite about it.
Then I bellowed filthy words out of the window for a few minutes.
Then I took myself to our dangerously close local and drank 3 scotches.
This is the dangerously close local.
And Australians - the jokes we make about the warm beer is true.
at 11:02 AM
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Who'd like to win a prize?
Take a gander at these 4 very pretty girls...
They all have something very particular in common (see below).
If you can correctly tell me what the very particular thing is - you'll get a prize!
Prizes include artwork, slave labour, handjobs and stuff like that.
See what you can come up with.
The winner will be revealed when I am satisfied you have posted enough dopey replies.
However - Grillo, who seems to know something about everything, will probably know the answer already, so you'll have to get in quick to win.
Anyone who posts "The thing they have in common is that I would like to introduce them to a mouthful of my evil man seed" will not be winning any prizes.
at 8:07 PM
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
I have been very lucky since I arrived in the UK that I have met a collection of really, really great people who have seem genuinely pleased to have met me.
This is a big thanks to everyone who has been so friendly and kind.
Perhaps I may get to meet some of you while we're sober, and I may have to revise this sentiment when I realise you are all a pack of bastards.
at 12:35 PM
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
It is very easy to imagine that there are a lot of my countrymen in London telling the local population that it's not that hot.
Take it from me - they are liars.
Don't believe a word they say.
Tell them I said so.
Although it certainly does get hotter in Australia, this is pretty fucking hot.
This is Christmas weather for us.
at 7:33 AM
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
There was a terrific crazy on the bus today.
He was peeling garlic and eating it like it was boiled sweets and kept talking to imaginary people.
The bus was strewn with his garlic peelings.
He appeared to be Asian but had an Irish accent.
A lad walked past him wearing camoflauge pants and the crazy said "You've never been in the fucking army, cunt! The Salvation Army maybe...." and went back to his bag of garlic.
John Goodman in the very silly film The Big Lebowski
at 10:27 PM
Saturday, July 15, 2006
I am pleased to report that my dog appears to be in good health.
Also - many of the guys visiting this blog will be aware of comic art legend Mike Mignola, an influential fellow if ever there was one.
He is responsible for the Hellboy comics.
One of his ideas The Amazing Screw On Head has been developed into an animated series, the pilot of which can be seen here.
It's the usual mix of crime and the supernatural that Mike Mignola is fond of.
It's utterly silly stuff and terrifically entertaining.
This is the villian of the piece, Emperor Zombie.
at 7:51 PM
Friday, July 14, 2006
Today was another wonderful day of good company and too much alcohol.
A lovely lady from Argentina made a lovely lunch that was enjoyed in delightful surroundings on a sunny day.
Then after all this perfection, I got on the train.
What is is they are cooking in the underground that makes the place smell like shit?
Is it shit?
at 11:58 PM
Last night I was lucky enough to meet a handful of good folks that I had either heard of, corresponded with, angered from a distance or otherwise knew of but had never met.
A big thank you to a delightfully friendly crowd, in particular Boris who invited me and inflicted me upon good people who deserved better.
The drawing above doesn't really reflect the evening - as far as I could tell nobody touched anyone elses pink floppy bits (although I did consider it several times and made a single attempt that went unnoticed).
at 6:02 AM
Thursday, July 13, 2006
I caught a few moments of British Big Brother today and the mummified, swollen old hag above made a comment without any trace of irony whatsoever.
I am feeling rather jollier today.
I actually slept from 11:30 to about 1:45, then went back to sleep again which is all nice and new for me.
I slept through to 7:30.
What a relief.
Today I am awaiting the delivery of a printer I have purchased online.
It means I can start sending out my stuff and replenish some of my depleted funds.
Also - I have a new mobile number, if I don't happen to see anyone first, feel free to email me and I'll send it along.
I momentarily considered posting it here but I thought the avalanche of single women desperate for contact with me might be overwhelming...
at 8:50 AM