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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Beaurocracy - Updated

Fuck oath.
I am learning one thing about living in London.
Terry Gilliams film Brazil, should have been called England.
What a fucking palarva!
Every time I need to get something official done, it takes about 63 phone calls and 19 attempts to get it done.
What a fucking disaster.
I spent 3 hours on the phone in the last 12 hours simply trying to transfer money from Australia to the UK.
I am sitting at home awaiting my ATM card to turn up, because they have to hand it right to me (Barklays - listen - there's no money in the account!!! Who does it matter who you hand it to???)
But the fact that I have a funny street address means that they have to call me before they arrive and the lazy cunts wont do that.
Which means I have to call back and get them to send it again...
What a pain in the fucking arse.
However, I feel very clever after drawing this picture.

Well I hate to think of myself as the cleverest man in the world but I predicted every single thing that would happen and it did.
Here is the main problem with where I am living.
I am sure it happens all over London so it don't imagine it's that unusual.
My street address is actually a business.
The block of flats is in an alleyway out the back.
Anyone coming to officially deliver something will not find a resident at the place we are required to give as our address.
So if something is being delivered that has to be handed to an actual person (such as my ATM card that has to be given to me) the driver needs to call and say "Oi, I'm here".
Lo and behold - despite 3 reassurances that I'd get a phone call from the driver I receieved none, and spent another day waiting all day long for a package that didn't arrive.
I called my bank to have it delivered there directly for me to pick up, but guess what!???
They can't just do that for me.
What the fuck is that about???!!!!!
I then did something that I used to do a lot, but don't much anymore.
I lost my temper and ranted and raged.
I called the useless little tick from the delivery company and emptied a string of Australian abuse down the line.
He was very polite about it.
Then I bellowed filthy words out of the window for a few minutes.
Then I took myself to our dangerously close local and drank 3 scotches.
This is the dangerously close local.
And Australians - the jokes we make about the warm beer is true.


The Right Honourable Anthony Garcilasus Blair said...

We are going to get your arse for this ranting!

Elliot said...

Bring it on you pommy bastard.

The Right Honourable Anthony Garcilasus Blair said...

I am on my way...Get ready the margerine.

justinpatrickparpan said...

Clever indeed! Bravo Elliot! So, what’s next? Are you going to sprout wings like the Jonathan Pryce character, and fly to an island where they don’t accept ATM cards? That would solve all ye' problems!

Boris Hiestand said...

I geddit! red tape! clever! and a very nice image! it'll go well with the series of images I want to collect to show the world how messed up England is. Told you it was like Brazil dammit. I got tons of examples of this SHIT!

Oscar Grillo said...


The Right Honourable Anthony Garcilasus Blair said... said...

Come down...You scum!!!
I am waiting for you at the pub...I am the one with crooked teeth, big ears and a tub of margerin in the right hand!

J.a.G. said...

Oh to have been a fly on the wall.

UM said...

After sending letters to the the powers that be, I still receive mail addressed to 'URIN' Meyer. Welcome to England. By the way, the beer is only luke-warm if you order the wrong pint!!!

Bentos said...

Another Aussie comes over to Britain to whinge and whinge and whinge...

Elliot said...

Uli - even the cold beer isn't that cold...

Bentos - get stuffed.

Bentos said...

...and moan and whinge and cry and moan...

Boris Hiestand said...

you live across from the Drum and Monkey?!!?
I went there a couple of weeks ago for an amazing private party upstairs. The place is a shithole, though they have a nice little concrete 'beer garden'

Elliot said...

Bentos - get a blog and shut the fuck up.

Boris - yeah I do.
It's not a great pub by any means but the barman is a good guy.
It's ok during the day, but it's pretty ugly in the evenings, especially Friday nights.

Matt J said...

JESUS, stay out of that place! On NO account go back - they'll eat you alive in there, they dislike Ozzies even more than the Welsh!

Elliot said...

Actually they think I'm terrific!
It's full of Irishmen.

Anonymous said...


Welcome to the club, wait till they start treating you to their bank charges. Laugh...I nearly shat.

Great pic by the way, very "Scarfian"!


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