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Sunday, June 05, 2005

Soggy Knee - The Awful Truth

I have been afflicted by condition known as Soggy Knee.
Although harmless, it causes mild discomfort and is vaguely unpleasant (depending on how squeamish you are about such things. Drool bothers me very little, perhaps because I've been lucky enough to spend a lot of time around it).
It is caused by teething babies who are just learning to walk.
As you recline on the couch, the teething child will haul itself up onto the couch to practice walking, then it will latch itself onto your knee and begin to dribble.
It can affect one or both of your knees, depending on the child.
As mentioned, it's not fatal, nor does it leave a stain, unless the child has been eating something recently before the drooling has commenced.
Should you find yourself in the position where you may be afflicted with Soggy Knee please adhere to the following procedures:
1)If you are wearing shorts, then perhaps you should think about moving away.
2)If you are wearing trousers, you will be fine.
3)Sit quietly and wave at the child. This will hopefully distract it.
4) While distracted ask a nearby parent for a tissue, or a towel or absorbent paper. All parents of your children will have these nearby. If not, just collect any nearby items of clothing - they will undoubtedly be covered in some kind of baby emissions and no-one will mind.
5)Use your tissue/towel/sleeve/nappy to wipe your knee of the more solid mucus.
6)Wipe the babies face and neck, which will by now resemble one of Ridley Scott's KY weeping Aliens.
7)Put soggy tissue/sleeve/handy pair of undies somewhere you can get to it quickly.
8)Wait for child to make it's way back to your knee then repeat from step 3.Posted by Hello


Red Egg said...

(lol) Right, will be sure to remember the steps if ever it happens to me.

You sound really good with kids though. They seem to latch onto you quite easily don't they :)

Red Egg said...

You sound *like you're really good with kids, I mean to say.

Elliot said...

I'm quite good with children under 7 and old women 70 plus.
It's the middle section I have trouble marketing myself to.

Ann said...

I just wipe it off with my hand and wipe my hand on the couch when no one is looking.
That is one of my fave drawings so far :-)

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